I had driven past East Villa's sign boasting 'Fine Chinese cuisine and World famous Steaks' on my way home many
a time, thinking it was a bit far fetched. Chinese food (or what we get in the
Western world) is like entry-level Asian cuisine, I remember eating a fair bit
as a kid and teenager but then losing interest in it after that. I always
favour Thai or Japanese. Nevertheless, out of curiosity and for the greater
good of Nassau on A Plate, I decided to put these wild claims to the test.
I arrived first and
walked in. I was greeted with the smell of stale smoke and a mildly surprised
reaction when I asked for a table for two. The inside was a real car crash in
bad taste, with some dodgy neon lighting, varnished pine ceiling and a really
unhygienic-looking carpet. I was given a wide choice of tables to pick from, as
the restaurant was largely empty. An enormous laminated fold out menu was
placed before me, which was almost as big as the Sunday Times. Uh oh. Too much
choice did not bode well. Had these people never watched Ramsay’s Kitchen
Nightmares? There were some Continental dishes such as lamb rack and the
celebrated steaks but I ignored that section to concentrate on the Chinese
food. Typical dishes such as Lemon Chicken ($18.50) and Sweet and Sour Pork
($12.50) featured.
The Juggernaut waltzed
in, looking mildly concerned. I ordered some baby friendly jasmine tea and J
had a Tsing Tao beer. We were immediately brought over a bowl of dried
cardboard strips, which resembled hamster food and some dips, one of which was
incredibly strong mustard, made from powder. How very random! And wrong. There
was some sort of sweet mango thing too. I wasn’t remotely tempted to try them
but J was the guinea pig and dipped a tentative fingertip into the sauces.
J said you could judge
a Chinese restaurant by its spring rolls, so we ordered some vegetable ones for
$5. After studying the menu for a while, we settled on Schezuan shrimp with
scallions, ginger, red pepper in rice wine sauce ($23) and Moo Shoo chicken-
shredded and combined with wood ear mushrooms, bamboo shoots, cabbage with
pancakes and plum sauce ($18.50) and some baby bok choy ($11.95).
The Spring rolls,
arrived, one each. They were okay, crispy enough and well fried but clearly
from a packet. A bit bland if I’m honest.
A while later, our
main courses arrived. This was the real test. My shrimp were smothered in a
disturbing red gloop. What the hell was this? I tried one. Lukewarm prawns in
jam. It reminded me of the so-called Mango chutney at the Taj Mahal. Some spring
onions scattered on top for decoration. In fact, to say it was like jam is an
insult to jam! There was no ginger to be found; I think it had left the
building. I ate one more to be sure and then pushed the offensive creatures
away. What an undignified death for those poor shrimp. J declared it the worst
Schezuan dish he had had in his life. It came with a vat of plain rice, which
was a welcome respite from the sickliness. The Moo Shoo chicken was nothing to
write home about; a sort of fried mess of chicken and vegetables; there were no
discernable flavours here. The plum sauce it came with was an unctuous
treacle-like tar, to be used with extreme caution. The ‘homemade’ pancakes were
quite good though. The bok choy was sort of a saving grace, crunchy with a
generous amount of garlic. Everything had a liberal sprinkling of MSG over it.
My poor unborn baby’s first experience of Chinese was not great. Sorry Peanut.
We managed about half of our dinner before emancipating ourselves from culinary
induced depression. The discarded plates of gloop stared sorrily back at us
whilst waiting to be cleared. I realised that there were no Chinese people
eating here. The fact that there were other diners at all was a small miracle.
The staff were surprisingly buoyant considering the dreary atmosphere that
pervaded the room. Later on that night, it all came back to haunt me in a bout
of fever. I really only have four words to sum up East Villa; Do Not Come Here.
